Unggoy
Grunts, also known as Chimpanzees, are the cannon fodder of the Covenant. They are known to huff lighter fluid in their spare time, as well as attending the Nipple Academy before becoming slaves for the Covenant. Like every other Covenant species the Grunts have to take a dip inthe Butter couldron before battle so sticky grenades won't stick to them. The covenant use them for all sorts of stuff and stuff we wont mention.. (caught in awkward positions with superiors regularly). Grunt's skulls have a odd tendency to explode when shot. At first, the head would explode with the force of a grenade, killing nearby friendly troops. The Covenant made a chemical put into the Grunt's nipples that stop them exploding so fiercely. The downside of this chemical is that it turns the Grunt's brain different colors so it resembles confetti. The Grunt also gets an uncontrollable urge to shout "Yay!" in a childlike voice before dying. They would have a longer life span if they wern't sexually atracted to fire and Brutes . History Despite seeming to be the weakest creatures in the Covenant (sentient or not), Grunts are actually the real masterminds behind the Covenant's religious crusade against everything and anything that doesn't agree with it. Controlling even the Prophets from behind the scenes, Grunts only act cowardly and weak to throw off suspicion to their Prophet scapegoats. This shows the stupid, retarded, and completely SUICIDAL life of the Grunt (Shorticus retardicus). It was, in fact, the Grunts tried to eat the Halos, gave the Covenant free entertainment, lost the wheel, and used the Ten Commandments for toilet paper (they were filleted by the Elites, who knew of the true God), and were there for free meals when a god-like creature created the Universe. They then proceeded to screw up the universe. Most were fried immediately by their brethren in a bloody splurge, but some survived to today (which is suprising). The Grunts that died were the species Shortius Stupidius. Grunts have an average IQ of -3,000,000, easily enough to see that handing them a gun and sending them against so many heathens is a stupid way to wage war. So they don't. They run forward unarmed to think that their vile odor will kill their enemies, and also meaning to destroy their enemies morale. Unfortunately, stupid members of the Covenant and most humans mistake this for suicide. Nothing could be closer to the truth... NOTE: It should be stated that a Grunt wrote this article, to enlighten stupid Earthers about the greatness of his people. You shall worship the great Darth Yayap for this insult. Physiology and history Grunts are born short. They live short, they shoot short, they just are... short. While the game manual seems to say they are five feet tall, most of the time, humans seem at least two feet taller. Their heads are full of confetti and enough candy to stop galatcic hunger and screw us all over. This size, coupled along with their obvious mental efficiencies deficiencies, begs the question "Why are they even in the Covenant military? They should be galley slaves!" This is because of two things. They have numbers, and screw like crazy. In addition, after nearly turning their world into a pretty ball of shiny glass, the Elites felt bad for them, and offered them a place into their military force. In actuality, the Elites found them to be humorous and sort of sad, to be pitied. Little did they know that the Prophets were doing the same thing to them. Kind of ironic. The strange thing about Grunts is that while they appear to be weak, they are in actual fact even weaker. You can see a Grunt carrying around a Fuel Rod Cannon in one arm with huge effort, and they never hit anyone. You'd think the Elites would train them in accuracy, but they must be smart and know the Grunts are too stupid to aim. The Grunts, in more recent studies, have been compared to humans in terms of intelligence. This is what happened when a human got stuck with a grenade. Marine: ARGH!(Jumps into pack of Brutes, killing them all.) Now, a Grunt. Grunt: ARGH!(Runs towards Brute Chieftain and starts humping his leg.) The main thoughts that run through a grunt's head at anytime is how much they love marshmallows. They can often think that the plasma grenades look like big shiny marshmallows, and try to feed you them as well. The Grunts' marshmallow craze came from a day that yap-yap went to visit the mushroom king in happy happy land. basically, they ate some mushrooms, got high and screwed everything,yes, EVERYTHING they saw. it is quite funny because in their confetti heads, grunts spend most of there time screaming or talking complete CRAP, and how freaking weird is it, that its all ENGLISH??? i mean for christ sakes bungie, grunts eat farts, you should at least make them more pissed off. Heroes Grunts have had many heroes, from the Grunt that encited the Grunt Rebellion to that one Grunt that killed thirty S-IIIs with one Fuel Rod Cannon shot. Unfortunatly for Grunt culture, Grunts do not feel like remembering surnames, so all known Grunt heroes are as follows: *Yayap- Helped Master Chief destroy the first Halo by betraying his "commanding"zuke skywalker Elite and giving Cortana access to The Pillar of Autumn's computer systems. *Bapap- Yapap's cousin, who made first democratic contact with the arrogant humans and ate their entire farming world in one meal. Coz that's how he rolls. *Kwassass- Activated Grunt-made thermonuclear device and destroyed the entire betraying Elite fleet. *Bopop- Bapap and Yayap's cousin who was the first too... interact with Brutes. Also travelled back in time to Earth, and cursed humans with wretched Rock music. Reproducation Needless to say, Grunts fuck like crazy, and are as crazy as fuck. People believe that it is from the gas( which comes from a creature called a shisno) that they inhail but the Grunts know that it is total and complete Snow Owl shit. That is just there excuse to go get layed. It starts when a male grunt sticks his Hoo-Hoo in the female grunts you-hoo. You what go ask you parents on steps 2-3. Then after the third step the future grunts must turn the oven up for 5 minutes on 360 degrees. Then after the nipples( a common grunt dish which most say is delicious) are done cooking, each grunt must eat one unleashing the ability to have more then one grunte(grunt brat)at a time(only 10 at a time). After one day the female grunt(called a bitch) gets really fat. So in that time the guy grunt (called a Prick)must do all of the work, you know like cooking,cleaning, bitch slapping the pimps, and stopping Georage Clooney from eating the little grunte, even if they do taste delicious. The main problem with Grunt births isn't that there are so many, but actually the fact that they taste so delicious and are so cute that most Grunts, and George Clooney decide to eat them. Then afterwards the Bitch and the Prick decide to fuck again. A Common saying and compliment is FUCK OF PRICK(or Bitch). Which means go have many kids Prick(or Bitch), which is a sign of respect in Gruntworld. After 1 day they can FUCK again having 10 Gruntes. Most Pricks(also called a pimp) have multiple Grunt wives. One noted Grunt had 101 wives. The Grunt year last only 100 days. So he got laid every day of the year, yes he was even in a threesome. Talk about a pimp. In an attempt to control the Grunt population the Prophets have ordered the Brutes and castrate(slice and dice, if you know what I mean) the grunts, but not before they rape them. The prophets do this out of jeolousy that all of the grunts get laid so much, and no one in hell(or heaven) will ever go near them and their testicle chins. All grunts in the Covenant military have to neutered. If the gruntiness is activited( it comes from a shisno too) then the bitch(offically term see above) and the prick(also officaly see above) can have many gruntes(once again officaly,seeabove) like 15. Bitch pregencies last about two weeks I guess, I got tired of watching after 2 weeks and when that bitch was giving birth I was playing halo, so when her prick was helping her and asking me for help I said FUCK YOU ALL, I AM PLAYING HALO 3) the prick and that bitch thought it was a good idea so he put the birthing period on hold for 15 minutes. It was really hard trying to play with all of that screaming ssssssoooooooooooooooo yeah. As Tucker once said "Donut said its like Grunts on Viagra, man they fuck alot." Other Famous Grunts *Michael Jackson *Frank O'Conner (Honorary Grunt) *Dick Cheney (Cheneytacular!) *Samual L. Jackson *Chuck Norris (Wait Wha, I thought he was Master Chief???) *Elton John *Al Gore *John J. Johnson *Tom T. Thompson *Peter "Pete" Peterson *Dick D. Dickerson *Kyle R. Haag *T.S. Elliot *William Shatner *Many British people *James Bond *Buncey *Alex robinson *Gwen stefani *SUMONE *McIvor *Miley Cyrus People Who Just Wish They Were *Miranda Cosgrove *RR *Lindsay Lohan *N00Bs *Paris Hilton *Prince *Cletus the Slackjawed Yokel *Many sheep *Canadians *British *Cara Janglemire *David Cavanagn *Manzaross *Blemo *David Letterman *Jay Leno *Various immature people on XBL that yell "shut up" at every other word you say even if your not talking to him/her. *mr mansour *ms dewar *Mister T *AIDS!!(They think they can infect them but they're too dumb to, instead they kiss them so tightly they suffocate the poor grunts). *Frankie Sentar *hagfish502 *you Jacob scott douglaus plarmo Psychology Ok, let us now observe the actual mind of the Grunt. People have studied, yet never truly understood, the Grunt's plane of thought. As stated, they are stupid. Born as 1 of 1 million in a day, the grunt feels like a sheep, and is treated like one, walked on by all other races, thus 82% of all Grunts shoot themselves up on Needlers. This is a major cause of their idiocy. Seriously, they fill themselves up with needles of pink energy that explode. One time, I saw a pack of them just walk onto a grenade I threw way away from them. WTF? Thus the mystery solved, My work done , I FLEE, HAIL YAYAP!... and the fsm.Parwents are known to fill their heasd with confetti and a voicebox that says "YAY!" The one purpose in a Grunts life was to have a wankery competition with Brutes, and they were continuosly RAPED by the Grunts. Category:Cannon Fodder Category:Grunts